A friend and I were talking, the other day, about the recent annual "Talk Like a Pirate" day — and agreeing that it's stupid (no, not just silly, but stupid). And then Comedy Central had a "Scrubs" marathon. Well, it occurs to me that "Talk Like Dr Cox Day" would be way more fun, and way more clever.
See, Dr Cox, played by John C. McGinley is sharp-tongued, glib and acerbic, and spews streams of hilariously insulting invective. It would be true art to be able to imitate that on the fly. And, of course, to properly do "Talk Like Dr Cox Day", one would have to do it on the fly, devising bespoke speech, not just parroting canned calumny.
Dr Cox says the sorts of things we wish we could sometimes say, but we're none of us sharp enough to manage, and we're none of us rude enough to actually do it anyway. We laugh, though, because it's funny and it's witty and we wish we could be saying it to the people who chafe our skin throughout our day.
To truly appreciate Dr Cox, one has to hear it for oneself, so watch an episode of the show (NBC hasn't started its 2006/2007 season, and may not, but it's in re-runs on Comedy Central). To tide you over, though, I'll give some samples here.
[To Dr Kelso, the hospital's Chief of Medicine] You'd better go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bob, because if your evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I'm gone forever, then the only one you're going to be able to contend with around here is yourself. And when you really get to know that person, oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep.
[To an annoying patient] Liiiisten up there, Molly Menopause, I need you to quiet the hell down, you're scaring everyone in the hospital. I mean, my God, they're delivering a baby upstairs and the poor kid's using the umbilical cord to crawl the hell back in.
[To Dr Dorian, a male intern whom Dr Cox habitually calls by girls' names] Oh, Gosh, Martha, I'd love to attend your safety camp this summer, I would, but here my parents are making me go to Maine with them, so what do you say you make sure and take a lot of pictures, that way when you get back we can both put together our "Friends Forever" collage. [pause] Come on, now, the kid's sixteen years old. He's a little busted up, it's not that big a deal, I mean, hell, when you were a kid you must have cut your hand on your doll house.
[To Dr Reid, a female intern] Oh, for you, Barbie, anything. But first, an interesting side note: I actually had my physical last week, and while my cholesterol was low, my blood pressure was through the roof. Needless to say, my physician was stumped, but now, thank God, you've helped us solve that riddle, you see, because the very instant I heard your shrill voice whining about a teeny-weeny problem, aw, it took every ounce of restraint I had to keep blood from shooting out my ears.
Dr Kelso: Dr Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times?
Dr Cox: Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought that's not grand enough a gesture, so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it — with your memo in the pocket — and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks.
[To Dr Dorian] Listen Vanessa Janice Tiffany Amber [in a sing-song voice] Thiessen. I'm gonna go ahead and give ya a little something I call Perry's Perspective. 1: If the guy in front of me in the coffee shop can't decide what he wants in the 30 minutes it takes for him to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill him. 2: I'm fairly sure that if they took all the porn off the Internet, there'd only be 1 website left and it would be called "Bring Back The Porn". 3rd, and most important: to be respected as a doctor, nay, a man, you must be an ocean. You're born alone, you damn sure die alone, [turns to a cadaver rolling by] isn't that right Spike? My point is, and you may want to jot this down: only the weak need help.
Of course, this only works and is fun because if you can pull it off, it's so over-the-top that everyone knows it's a put-on.
So how about, say, December 1st as "Talk Like Dr Cox Day"?
Update: Well, and see the result.